I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy