I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
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Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Passwords are more important than ever.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.