I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
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Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
2022: I can fix it
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes