I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
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I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
True
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
*3.5 thank you very much.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own