@osoplain: I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you're scrolling on your phone
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@DirtMcTurd: I just did my own taxes for the first time and I'm glad I did because I'm getting 8 million dollars back this year!
@Rollinintheseat: Alec Baldwin always sounds like he's trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
@OfficialMizGin: Years ago I went to a job placement agency. I left disappointed. Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
@djdarrellripley: Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems... Well, you've always got my number. Me: Yes, is it still 666?