I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
#SCOTUS one-star review
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
bury ourselves
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors