I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish