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@greg_vee: I hate when someone steals my idea before I've had it.
@dshack8: 50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn't unbutton it.
@greedybull: 2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
@CooIStepDad: [running from cop]
*cop catches me*
"Get on the ground or I'll taze ya"
*pulls jellyfish from pocket*
"Look they were all out of tazers"
@Aspersioncast: "This tofu tastes like chicken."
No one believes you dude.
@theyearofelan: Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?