@Sarcasticsapien: I hate when someone texts me cause then I can't post anything on the internet or they'll know I'm ignoring them.
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@NYC_Blonde: Boys are cute how they're all "I like girls that don't wear heavy makeup" and "get down from that tree near my window or I'll call the cops"
@noog: [aliens talking] "They call it a sel-fee" A photograph of oneself? "Sometimes several" But why? "We have one theory" Go on "They're idiots"
@kwirkyKerri: I don't have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn't knocked up.
@the_tsai_guy: If someone eggs your house, you can save time cleaning up by just baking your house into a cake.