Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
You Might Also Like
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.