@BeCoco77: I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person
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@Aspersioncast: If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys, I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.
@MichaelLarrick: Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They'd be like "did you get my text?" and you could just be like "I can't read."
@DaddyJew: Jesus: *turns water into wine* Me: nice Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak* Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit