Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
You Might Also Like
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Who did it better?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”