assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.