I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
the council will decide your fate
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.