I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Based Erika
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.