Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
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[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*