@respected_loner: i hate when the news guys say "our nation's capital". stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is
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@Fred_Delicious: [Biden runs into the oval office] "Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed"
@JennyJohnsonHi5: If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
@jake_lach: -"I was the girl that hated you back in high school." -"I'm sorry, can you be more specific?"