Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
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The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
The days of good grammer has went
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
found my next D&D character name
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.