I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
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me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…