I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
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Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”