I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
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plant them where lol
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game