I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?