I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.