I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.