I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
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Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
A small tragedy.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.