I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
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My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
There is no “we” in chocolate.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”