Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.