It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
You Might Also Like
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.