I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
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Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE