One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
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Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Not today, today.
Not today.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative