I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
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The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I laughed at this way too hard.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
📽️movie date🎞️
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape