i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
You Might Also Like
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Seek kebab; not attention
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad