@NYC_Blonde: "I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You're wonderful but get away from me" -My love letter to carbs
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@counterfeitingl: When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
@Brianhopecomedy: A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
@SoulYodeler: When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
@PoliUncorrect: I'm mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don't tell me how hard your life is