@NYC_Blonde: "I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You're wonderful but get away from me" -My love letter to carbs
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@Storminika: My mom keeps asking questions like 'When you gonna be famous?' I tell her, 'As soon as they find the bodies.'
@SamuelHLowe: - We buried my mother-in-law yesterday. - Sorry to hear that. When did she die? - My guess would be sometime this morning.
@Black__Elvis: I once had a brush with Death and then a floss and a rinse; no woman wants to get intimate with a dark annihilator of souls with bad teeth.
@david8hughes: [first day as coast guard] Boss: 7 people died on your watch today Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine