“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
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2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.