Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
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[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Jogging
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.