@omgthatspunny: I hated facial hair at first, but then it grew on me!
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@NewDadNotes: Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend
@bobvulfov: [speed dating] DATE: ding ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth DATE: no ME: we have 4 minutes left DATE: *louder this time* ding
@truegritrumble: ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis. ME: Yep. ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
@RollAroundSue: Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn't know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou