Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
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Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
#oldknees
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
seems fine
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete