@roxiqt: I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because... I just thought that I had to.
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@velvettusk: ♫ Is this the real life? Are you a manatee? Let’s beat up french fries I should lay off the LSD ♫
@ch000ch: ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG'S MOUTH: who's a good boy DOG: your mom ME: please take this seriously
@Parkerlawyer: *camping* Son, "What's the wifi password?" Me, "We're communing with nature, get off your phone." Son, "Does communing have two m's or one?"
@carlyken: *walks into work 20 minutes late* *boss glares at me* "Sorry. Traffic." *boss gestures to my Starbucks cup* "Oh this? I found it."