I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
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When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend