I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
You Might Also Like
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Generation gap…
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.