i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
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Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.