I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
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:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton