@AnniemuMary: I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
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@HelloJessicaFox: If you encounter a bear DON'T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
@weinerdog4life: The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
@RocketRankoon: This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
@bourgeoisalien: My favorite German children's story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.