I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
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Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
when there are deer in the woods
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
How dramatic are you?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Lmao
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”