I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
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[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
how to market bottled water to dads
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.