I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians