@Fred_Delicious: I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
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@LlamaInaTux: Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night? Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends Lawyer: remember, you took an oath Me: just one friend Lawyer: an oath on the Bible Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
@sploosk: my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying "this one's on the house" every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
@chelliet22: I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower. Exactly. I'M the idiot in a slasher film.
@bridger_w: If you're pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek