I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
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My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”