@KevinFarzad: "I have $50, less than an hour, and a ton of cocaine. Let's make a commercial!" - every furniture store owner
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@Maui_Speaks: Dear person who just turned in your resume with no name or phone number. You didn't get the job.
@hyperblastchic: My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn't recognize him when she was canning pickles.
@realHamOnWry: Putting a light in the refrigerator is God's way of telling us that it's okay to eat before going to bed.