[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
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ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?