I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
You Might Also Like
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I have many caverns
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*