I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
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I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.