*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
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Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.