I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
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A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon