I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
You Might Also Like
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.