just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
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[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Are you ok, human???
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.