Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.